Where do we go from here?
by 98RockAngel
Summary: She walked out on their marriage with a flimsy excuse but he knows better now. She didn't do this out of spite or malice but of love. She did the wrong thing for the right reason and although it still hurts, he can't fault her. A post 8x08 fic.


Kate Beckett felt unusually warm when she first awoke and seeing how she had to get used to sleeping in a bed alone without the heat that her husband usually provided, it was both a welcomed and strange change.

She groggily stretched her legs and cracked her toes, a habit she couldn't seem to shake and as she moved to turn, the memory of last night came back to her.

She's in bed with Castle. In their house. Together.

She turns around to face her husband, the love of her life, the man who took her back after she essentially blew up their marriage over a case. Maybe that lawyer was right, it did feel like she was choosing work over him. They were far from done talking about it, she knew that much was certain.

Castle felt his wife stiffen, stretch and turn. He knew that she was awake and most likely looking at him, oh she was tracing the stubble that now resides at the base of his jaw. He should really think of shaving soon.

He kept his eyes close and breathing light, he needed some time to gather himself before confronting her.

He loves his wife, and he always will. It's a fact that he has come to accept and admit. However, loving her was not easy at times especially before they got together. She was the only person who had such a hold on his heart. She was the only one who he would gladly walk into a tornado for, save for his family.

But she did put him through hell the past couple of weeks. He thought she needed space, that the separation was about him. It was both a relief and a slap in the face that it was about a case. He figured that now that they were married, they were past flying solo now.

"Castle, I know you're up" she says as she wriggles out of his embrace and sits up to face him.

He does the same.

"Kate, you know we need to talk about what happened right?" he dares to first break the silence.

"I know Castle. I hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never, never meant for this to hurt you. And you have to understand that I need you Castle. I always will. But what I really need is for you to be alive. For you to be safe, I can't and won't put you in harms way because I can't walk away. My entire team at the AG's office is dead. Gone. Just like that. God, if something were to happen to you, I can't lose you Castle." she tells him fear lacing her tone.

She wants nothing more than for him to hold her but she knows that they needed physical space when they were talking about them. The distance helped put things in perspective so she stayed away from his safe embrace, twisting the ring on her finger instead.

"Kate, I would die if I lost you too. I understand that you're a cop and that your life is in constant danger but how do you think I would have felt if one day I hear that you've been killed just like that, no explanations. And someone takes over you and tells me that my wife, the woman I was married to kept this whole other operation a secret from me? When I was in the warehouse and they asked me where my wife was and I said I didn't know. They didn't believe me because married people tell each other things. Kate you're the one who said that"

"Castle that was different and you know it. This is a matter of life and death. I can't just take you down the rabbit hole with me, " she explains hoping he would see where she was coming from.

"Kate, I was there by your side when you took down Bracken. We worked the case together behind closed doors. Why can't we do the same now? You agreed to no secrets right after I found you and then not a day later you hide this from me. I just don't understand why? Help me understand Kate because right now, all I see is a woman who ran away from her husband, lied and all for what? A case?"

She leaves the bed and walks to the side of the room and looks out the window. She was never one to break down and his words, they stung. She knew he had a right to them but they still hurt. She couldn't face him because she knows that if she takes one look at him then the dam will break and he needs an explanation. He deserves that much.

Her tears? That was the reason why showers were invented. She had no right to be upset about this. She was the one who did this to them.

"I was afraid Castle. I didn't want to be the reason why you died. Alexis, Martha they would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. When I was running away from them, all I could think about was trying to get out of this alive, to make home, to you. I just wanted to be back in your arms safe but every time I thought I was close, something would happen to disrupt that. I was petrified. Running away while I was a fugitive with Bracken was child's play compared to this. I ran and pushed you away because it's what I do when I'm scared," she pauses to gather gather herself before continuing.

"I'm broken Castle and there's nothing I can do to fix it" she chokes out on a sob.

Ignoring their rule, he moves to comfort her and pulls her into his arms. He could never stand to see her crying and in pain.

"Kate, you give a voice to the dead and you never back down from a challenge and it's what I love about you. I've told you this before. But you're not alone anymore Kate. This isn't like it was 19 years ago. You have someone here and I am ready and willing to be there for you. I know you felt abandoned when your mum died. You lost your dad too. You were 19 and you were alone but you're not alone Kate. I'm sorry if I don't make you feel like you have someone to turn to but you do. Every time something big like this, or your shooting happens you lick your wounds alone. You run away and you refuse to let people in, just like you had to when you were 19 but I thought I had made you feel secure enough in us that you would run to me. "

"Castle," she interrupts before he can absolve her of blame.

"This one's on me. Babe, I know that you're here and with me. I know. But I watched your car go up in flames on what was supposed to be our wedding day. You were gone and I wondered if that had to do with me. With my casesses. We pissed off a huge load of people. People who had the means and motive to kill you. This person- Loksat. He's on a whole new level. He killed Bracken. Bracken. The man we weren't even sure we could catch. How am I supposed to live with myself if you get caught in the crosshairs? This has nothing to do with you. It's about this twisted part of me that can't just walk away. That can't leave good enough be. I need to put this to bed. It was my actions that started this whole thing and I know logically I'm not responsible but emotionally, I am. My actions have affected enough people. I can't let them affect the man I love just because it's what I want to do."

"I really am sorry Castle."

She hopes her tone will convey how earnest she is. How truly sorry she is. She knew that walking away would hurt him but she couldn't risk him getting hurt. Not again. Not because of her.

He sees the sincerity in her tone and he knows that she really is sorry. She didn't do this out of spite or malice but because of love. She did the wrong thing for the right reason and although it still hurts, he can't fault her.

"We'll be okay Kate," he says before ending the discussion at that.


End file.
